Friday, August 16, 2013


This is the most hypocritical shit I have ever read in my life, and so you can appreciate this fully I'm going to provide some context.

First of all, Jose has taken up a fascination with the word "bitchtit." Secondly, news just came out that Alex Rodriguez's associates (whatever the fuck that means) were the ones who leaked names of other players (including Ryan Braun) who took steroids from Biogenesis.

Sidenote, that is some next-level fame where you just have anonymous "associates" sauntering around your life all willy nilly.

Anyway, snitch rhymes with bitch (great job Jose!), and tit was a preexisting part of Jose's new word, so that's what that tweet means.

It's one of the most hypocritical things ever written, because as you may recalle, Jose Canseco himself wrote an entire book WHERE HE EXCLUSIVELY NAMES CURRENT AND FORMER PLAYERS WHO TOOK STEROIDS.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I wish youcould tweet smells because this slow cooker my girlfriend @ModelLeila is making dinner in smells sooo good


1) I wish youcould tweet smells because = I am incapable of constructing analogies but

2) this slow cooker=  vagina

3) my girlfriend @ModelLeila = my captive

4) is making dinner = having tenuous sex

5) in = and it

6) smells sooo good: has a life alteringly horrific stench

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

in 15 minutes i will be making an announcement

And sons and daughters from around the world were left alone after their soccer practices ended, wondering why their parents were late to pick them up...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Monday, June 10, 2013

My girl doesnt like bugs @modelleila

It seems as if Jose and Leila are back together. I say this because usually Jose refers to Leila as "evil," a "hateful egotistical bitch," "easy lay," "pot head," and of course "slut."

But right now it's "my girl" so good for them.

Also check out the 100% battery on Jose's phone! Atta way to swing the big dick brother!